On Being My Own Doctor

My experience with Function Health

I am the child that bit the stick for throat swabs and had to be held down by medical staff for injections.

I am the teenager who never went on birth control because just no.

I am the young woman who has never been to the gynecologist because why?/ ew.

I am the grown woman who was unmoved by the most extensive propaganda campaign ever conceived by global health.

I am the eccentric elder millennial haunting her city apartment in an unraveling shift dress whose husband refers to her as Dobby his lil’ house elf.

Hear me roar.

JK. I wish I had the energy to roar but despite all of the above and my walks and all the organic food I eat and whole food supplements I take and my history of being a professional athlete for fifteen years my vitality of late feels like it’s hanging on by a thread.

2025 got off to an especially rocky start with a mystery flu something or other that may or may not have been sprayed down from the sky. That lasted officially for about two weeks although the fatigue lingered long into March.

I am unwell.

Since I turned 18 I have never had regular check ups or blood work or whatever it is that people do to track their health and that has worked out so far not to mention being quite convenient but now as an uninsured thirty-something who would like to have a baby and, as I’m sure you’ve all gathered, is passionate about prenatal terrain I felt it was appropriate to get some blood work done and pin down what the heck is going on in my body!

I’ve been wanting to get testing done for a couple years but I don’t have insurance (or a physician) and I didn’t know how to go about it. Perhaps some fear also caused me to put it off because often we know even when we don’t know know and it’s true that ignorance is bliss… until it’s not. Once I learned about Function Health my excuses became moot.

I decided to purchase blood work through Function Health a company founded by Dr. Mark Hyman and others. Function Health is a 500$ per year subscription service which schedules testing for you through Quest Diagnostics and submits your results along with personalized clinician notes to your personal dashboard. 100 biomarkers are tested which provide information about your electrolytes, thyroid health, environmental toxins, nutrients, autoimmunity and more.

As a dancer I am very good at pushing through discomfort and gaslighting myself so it was validating, albeit disappointing, to see my results presented in no uncertain terms. Services like Function Health combined with all the information freely available online offer individuals like myself a starting point for self directed healing. I would recommend this service to anyone - comprehensive testing like this would cost far more than 500$ in the medical system!

The other cool thing about Function is I can order additional tests anytime and I don’t have to go through a doctor. So if I wanted to do a full cancer screening or order a pregnancy test I can schedule and pay for it myself at my own convenience.

If this service is something that interests you and you have more questions about my experience feel free to respond to this email with your questions. I will leave my referral link here - if you decide to sign up for Function Health I would be grateful for you to use my link to help me pay for furthur testing on my healing journey. #healingjourney LOL

<3 MA